MY EMOTION CONTINUED....

You know I haven't updated my blog for a while now. I know this is something I do for myself something I can come back to so I can remember what I was feeling, thinking, liking etc. I was having the best day in a long time today until something changed in me which I will not mention. I realized something before it happened and BAM. Well.. You can interpret my reasons. My emotion of which I about to continue is a follow on from my past emotion... I cannot remember if I have changed but lets find out... 

Quiet. My head feels empty. I don't want to see love. I want to be in it. I don't want to see friendship. I want to have it. I want to be confident. I don't want to see sadness. I don't want to see dreamers. I want to be one. Why do I not do the things I love? You need to be selfish. Stop thinking about others. Do they think about you? No. 

I get it. Was it my emotion trying to tell me my future thoughts. I see accidents waiting to happen so I stop them before they can. But does that then change everything for the future. Just because something bad is about to happen should I stop it to then see the consequences? Then we get back to america. I see or feel things. Then somehow it becomes real. Am I making sense? I know my destination, my goal. I just need to figure how I need to get there. Once I have that there is no stopping me x

Here we are again. Here I am again. How? I feel lost. 1 step forward 2 steps back. that is the emotion I feel. Scared of failure. Scared on being alone. alone. To fail and not show what I can do. If do Is what I can. I dont think I am cool. I don't envy people. I hate myself knowing I can never be that. I. I want to be free of this cage I created within me. I say no I can't so I then become aware of my insecurities that I have to confront. Why can I not accomplish this with all aspects of my flaws. I want to be the best. I know others are. Stop.

I just I feel lost. I don't know where to go, who to talk to. What to do. I just feel sad. That word keeps haunting me... LOST 

Sleeping naked with one sheet over my bare skin. It some how makes me feel free. Feel cold and bare. Like I can be alone. I do not need someone here with me... I am going to make a difference to my life. It is my destiny to get to where I want to be x

You lost the confidence of what?? A child? A child within. How to regain that again?? To do one thing you are afraid of. Every week. Write it down on Monday and you have to have done it by Sunday.  

I am tired of watching other peoples dreams walk by and I feel like I am still here. Stop!

When I see someone I automatically run away... Why! I don't get it x

Why does no one listen to me? Is it because I am boring? It hurts my feelings x

I am scared to tell my beliefs as I don't feel they will be significant. 

Instead of focusing on being successful, focus on being significant. 

I need to learn to understand why my emotion takes over. I have a lot of fear... I feel useless to this cause. This cause I wish I could contribute to. 

My strongest belief is LOVE. I believe that everyone has love within them. For themselves. For others. My heart aches to be given some in return. I become terrified of loving someone so much that I will lose them. But I am terrified of not loving someone enough for that reason but them then running away. 

I have never felt stronger about making my life how I want it to be to make those see I can do this... I believe that believing in myself I will conquer those who judged, ran, laughed, doubted me. It makes me stronger. 

Right now my emotion is screaming love. I want to give up on you. I remember. Do you?

That word. That word I need to replace. Love.

If you were to replace the word

     Love

What would it be?

These words I once said. It creeps upon me once more. If only this were true. If only this word could be locked away and I could throw away that key. Life would seem so much easier without it just to have clear sight of where I am going to be. But it blinds me. I just want to spread my wings and fly. 

I do not blame love for my actions. I blame the intensity of my love.

You know this will be continued...