MY EMOTION CONTINUED....

You know I haven't updated my blog for a while now. I know this is something I do for myself something I can come back to so I can remember what I was feeling, thinking, liking etc. I was having the best day in a long time today until something changed in me which I will not mention. I realized something before it happened and BAM. Well.. You can interpret my reasons. My emotion of which I about to continue is a follow on from my past emotion... I cannot remember if I have changed but lets find out... 

Quiet. My head feels empty. I don't want to see love. I want to be in it. I don't want to see friendship. I want to have it. I want to be confident. I don't want to see sadness. I don't want to see dreamers. I want to be one. Why do I not do the things I love? You need to be selfish. Stop thinking about others. Do they think about you? No. 

I get it. Was it my emotion trying to tell me my future thoughts. I see accidents waiting to happen so I stop them before they can. But does that then change everything for the future. Just because something bad is about to happen should I stop it to then see the consequences? Then we get back to america. I see or feel things. Then somehow it becomes real. Am I making sense? I know my destination, my goal. I just need to figure how I need to get there. Once I have that there is no stopping me x

Here we are again. Here I am again. How? I feel lost. 1 step forward 2 steps back. that is the emotion I feel. Scared of failure. Scared on being alone. alone. To fail and not show what I can do. If do Is what I can. I dont think I am cool. I don't envy people. I hate myself knowing I can never be that. I. I want to be free of this cage I created within me. I say no I can't so I then become aware of my insecurities that I have to confront. Why can I not accomplish this with all aspects of my flaws. I want to be the best. I know others are. Stop.

I just I feel lost. I don't know where to go, who to talk to. What to do. I just feel sad. That word keeps haunting me... LOST 

Sleeping naked with one sheet over my bare skin. It some how makes me feel free. Feel cold and bare. Like I can be alone. I do not need someone here with me... I am going to make a difference to my life. It is my destiny to get to where I want to be x

You lost the confidence of what?? A child? A child within. How to regain that again?? To do one thing you are afraid of. Every week. Write it down on Monday and you have to have done it by Sunday.  

I am tired of watching other peoples dreams walk by and I feel like I am still here. Stop!

When I see someone I automatically run away... Why! I don't get it x

Why does no one listen to me? Is it because I am boring? It hurts my feelings x

I am scared to tell my beliefs as I don't feel they will be significant. 

Instead of focusing on being successful, focus on being significant. 

I need to learn to understand why my emotion takes over. I have a lot of fear... I feel useless to this cause. This cause I wish I could contribute to. 

My strongest belief is LOVE. I believe that everyone has love within them. For themselves. For others. My heart aches to be given some in return. I become terrified of loving someone so much that I will lose them. But I am terrified of not loving someone enough for that reason but them then running away. 

I have never felt stronger about making my life how I want it to be to make those see I can do this... I believe that believing in myself I will conquer those who judged, ran, laughed, doubted me. It makes me stronger. 

Right now my emotion is screaming love. I want to give up on you. I remember. Do you?

That word. That word I need to replace. Love.

If you were to replace the word

     Love

What would it be?

These words I once said. It creeps upon me once more. If only this were true. If only this word could be locked away and I could throw away that key. Life would seem so much easier without it just to have clear sight of where I am going to be. But it blinds me. I just want to spread my wings and fly. 

I do not blame love for my actions. I blame the intensity of my love.

You know this will be continued...

WallpapeR

So I have a thing for interior design.... As soon as I walk into someone's house I automatically see the room or house on a whole as a different place... This would look good there, a feature wall would bring this room to life etc. I have always been one with feature walls... The first photo my mom has that wallpaper. Third from the bottom. OH GOSH THAT IS SEXY.... Bronze Flock on Oil Slick. How much = £267.00 a roll. HOW MUCH? I know. I want to cry. Wallpaper is such a beautiful invention. You can hide the past underneath it or simply hate that colour because your ex picked it out, boredom and you want a new project, new love and want to create something magical together, the list could go on... 

TO BE CONTINUED.

EmotioN

Emotion is a complex psychophysiological experience of an individual's state of mind as interacting with biochemical (internal) and enviromental (external) influences. In humans, emotion fundamentally involves "physiological arousal, expressive behaviors, and conscious experience.^" Emotion is associated with mood, temperament, personality, disposition, and motivation. Motivations direct and energize behavior, while emotions provide the affective component to motivation, positive or negative.

This is emotion. This is the definition. Is a definition of something always right though? Is that all it is? Or can it be something that you cannot describe but that it is only in your head? 

I feel the american bedroom with the girl wishing on her dreams to come true.
I am that girl.
Looking out of the window wondering when she (i) will let go.
I want to become perfection in your eyes.
I want to be real
I want to be true
I don't want to be scared
Where has the cage come from?
American??
I see the sunset on a hill in America.
On a road like the ones with trams running over them.
I can't see.!
I feel lost.
More than motivation =
No choice in the matter
Wrapped up
Aching
Tear it up!!
I (she) look in the reflection of the mirror
Analysis?
Of what?
Appearance or mind or body
OR
All???
Music doesn't sound the same.
Becoming a story I can't help but create in my mind
I can smell the sea.
Surfing = taking a risk
How?
= cacooning ones self in the cellophane waves but to never feel more free in the flowing liquid that never stops moving.
My tears...now
They have become the ocean I am surfing
Stop!
I want passion to become reality
-
That word. That word I need to replace. Love.
If you were to replace the word
     Love
What would it be?
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

The shoes. The legs. The skin.
Replaced.
I am the prototype that is being experimented with. She is the finished product of what I want to become.
Speech is powerful
Convincing is harder.
To wish.....
            To be.....
Get there >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
find that information you need-
Be the prop, the toy, the model
That everybody •••••

Am I trying too hard? Am I dumb? Is she playing? Or hiding because she can't?? She wants to.... That is what I think....I want to know her more. But she is hard to work.

Do I feel uncomfortable?
Or am I scared? Scared of talking?
I don't know....
These people are cool but the sort that don't need NEW people in there life...
Do I stay or do I go?
What was I thinking

I am feeling very emotional.
I want somebody!

Beautiful, funny , caring, passionate, honest, committed....
BECOME THE PERSON YOU DREAM OF! ! !
Never scared to be different!

Do you ever get that feeling where all your emotions are going wild at once and you don't know which one to choose? Or feel like you just need to get away but don't know where? Or you feel lonely but don't know who to tell...? I am at home not knowing how to do or be any of these... I just want to walk. Somewhere.

 Why are you at a stand still? Plan. Don't do nothing. That is the year you begin your life. Get your monologues. Road. Metamorphosis. Shakespeare. Auditions! Find! Dance! Do what you love. Don't stop thinking it is impossible.

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says  I'm possible
                                Audrey Hepburn

Believe in your passion and make your dreams become a reality. You are the one to make your life perfection. You are perfection in yourself. The time is now to act, to do, to pursue. Stop holding back and explode your imagination across the blank canvas that will become your life. It's all yours if you want it x

I wish I was beautiful. I wish I felt happy. I wish I could be in my dreams. I wish.

Don't take me for some fucking mug. I won't be messed around anymore by people who think I am smaller than them...

Fuck off!

I don't know how I am feeling right now.
Blank.
 Do I want to be alone? I do not know. She inspires me with every word Lgaga. I can't stop listening to her, everything has a meaning.
Blank.
That is the best way to describe how I am feeling right now.
Blank.
Do I feel more? I pour myself into the pages that my emotion has become stained upon.
That is all I have to give. Until the next cellophane cacooning wave of tears/emotion that I carry.

 Self destructive...

I am not going to lose this. This is when I Evolve into the person I want to be.... This time I will pursue it. I have to. I need to. I don't care of any obstacle that comes in my way. I will conquer it...
Blah, I don't know what I am feeling. I seem to feel like this a lot recently

My head is exploding. I want to cry!!! Or curl up and go to sleep. My dreams are the places that I love, that I live.
I have to make it. Inspire. Don't regret the things you didn't do. Just take the risks to see the consequences. I am making a difference to myself. I can feel the energy of motivation pumping through my veins like it isn't a choice it's a must. My body evolves into what I am to become. It's changing into the monstrous beauty that I will one day be whole. I will be the perfection I dream of.  I will be. Me. This sound I hear that makes me believe i am capable because well... I am.

Find a way to touch the sky.

Reach for the stars. Grab as many as you can. If you miss one grab a cloud instead.

Never scared to be different............. I thrive to be different. I thrive to experiment. I thrive to be unique.

I say I thrive to be different without thinking someone else is thinking the same. We are individuals with the same purpose. If only we could all be different.

I am a dreamer!

Religion.
What is religion.
 

You are the only exception.....

Thinking of you. Amazing girl that you once was. Today 2 years: how far have we come. 18th January 2010      

The only way is forward. To move forward emotionally, physically, mentally. I see my path and the light at the end of my tunnel. Those brights lights. There is no time to stop. What you start today you must finish today. Wake up everyday with positive attitude And act like each second that goes by is the last. Your breath is your inspiration.

I'll return to deliver
Nearly isn't enough

Emotion.....................
It captivates me in it's presence and I can't let go. It takes over my body, nothing else matters. I dream. Of light. Sound. Colour. You. Me. Here. There. I cannot help but to hold on. My addiction is my emotion. I can't have a that will do. My addiction is intense. It runs to the pores of my skin. I cannot handle it. Emotion.
My goosebumps are going wild with love. Inspire. Keep listening!
I want to change. I want to be fearless. I don't want my heart spread so thin I have nothing left to respect myself.
I don't want to grow old not knowing I didn't make a difference to the world. I want to be remembered for something beautiful. I want to believe that when I grow old I have another day of happiness. Another day to be proud. I don't want to hold back anymore. I want to be there. In the films, helping the rights of all things, I want to love, I want to be a part of and I want to shape the world into a more beautiful place than it already is.
The only person you can ever truly let down is yourself. So don't. Never stoop low always be amazing. Make people believe you are perfection In yourself. Be truthful. 

They invest in work days that start and finish in the dark. 

Without sunlight it creates darkness 

in the mind as well. When this happens no love is let out only corruption 

of money that takes 

over our humanity. I can never become this. 

People were created as beautiful 

creatures to unite love and peace, as one tribe, even with the animal kingdom, 

the plants, 

we are one! My heart weeps. Weeps for love, passion, dreams. 

My patience wears thin. 

I imagine myself there. I realise that is my outcome. 

I struggle to know it is going to take 

a lot. Take time. I am willing more than either of us can think of. 

For myself and for my love. 

Typical how I am falling in love with the worlds most 

beautiful mesmerising captivating girl in the world. 

Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta x
 Frustration. Frustration of being lonely. 

All the time mentally and physically. When am I ever with someone. 

I feel towards these people but know that I will never get the chance to be 

with them. My brain is asking too many questions. Silence. 

Is all I ask. Sleep peacefully. 

Feeling slightly strange.

 Lonely to he exact. 

I am With people but feel like there is noone. Uncomfortable. Home sweet home. 

That place. That place I want to be. I can not take this. 
Love sucks! My heart just pierced through and got smacked.. 

I am that stupid to hold onto somebody I didn't know. 

I feel like the idiot that gets played. Why! 

I just went emotionless and have no idea what to think. I give up. 

I don't want too. But what is the point. 
 You look at her, she looks back, she walks away. Do you ever think what could of 

happened if you spoke to her? What if. You imagine your Life with her in it. 

There. With you. 

How beautiful it all seems. Don't you want to forget? 
 It takes a quiet mind to see clearly though the rippled water. 

I want to feel secure, like I don't have to worry about how much money I have left. Don't 

have to worry about where my next hug is coming from. Don't have to worry about my job 

or future because I know it is going to turn out exactly how I want it too. I have to work hard

to get the dream I want and I am scared that I am going to fail. 
 

Be 

MonsterousbeautY

This is emotion in my head. This is my definition. 

x

DancE

I have been dancing for 17 years. 

I have to go
I have the urge
I need to
Escape
Explode
DANCE!!!!

I would not be who I am today if my wonderful grandma had not taken me to my first ballet class back in september 1994. Yep you got it. I do ballet, tap, modern, contemporary, street, jazz and I also did ballroom and latin for a few years. The thing about ballet is it's not a thing you can do casually and become good at just like that. It is the foundations of your life. Everything comes from that. You have to know if that is the direction you want to go in because once you start your obsession stays with you for life. It is a part of your breath. So where did it all begin?

I will tell you.

My beautiful grandma Audrey took me to my first class in september 1994. The school is Dorothy Stevens School of Dance. Dorothy Stevens has been and still is an inspiration. She made me work so hard you wouldn't believe. I would go every day doing all kinds of dance but ballet is the foundation that has made me the person I am today. She was like our Grandmother. So many of her students have gone into the world of dance at some of the best companies known. I remember when she would smack the back of your point shoe with her shoe heel to make you break them in. Or if you weren't stretching your legs properly she would get the feather duster out. Sometimes it was canes or other times it would be her pushing you down into splits. 

I miss her. Haha. I don't miss the pain I miss her passion for others to become amazing dancers.

My sister is Still dancing there. She is called Lily, 12 years old. She becomes a teen February 23rd. Slightly nerve racking for everyone. If I say so myself she is going to be twice worse than me. Smily face. But she is still a beautiful young girl who i hope is going to do the things she loves and be happy with who she is. I do push her to do better but it is only because I care about her future so much. 

Anyway. 

You could call me the rebel of dance. I wasn't your typical dancer. I had short hair, piercings, played rugby and football and would usually turn up to ballet covered in mood from the hour before. Miss stevens would always tell me off for not being girly enough but it made me work harder to prove I was good enough and didn't have to be a full on girl. I danced almost every day apart from 1 or 2 now and again and I did at least 2 to 3 hours a day. 

You might be thinking I am strong as hell. Your right. I am. But I was never flexible, well I was up until I was about 10 then it just buggered off somewhere which was ever so annoying. 

I have to say I am a jumper. She always made me do solos for the allegro as the french call it and in ballet terms. 

Because I danced so much it took me away from my friends a bit. I was never interested in going out and getting drunk, to this day I do not drink. It bores me. Lets just say I am not your typical 19 year old.  But because I didn't go out I progressed my passion with outstanding teachers.

I have had the most beautiful teachers I could have ever had. Miss dorothy stevens, Joe (who sadly passed away), Miss Burguss, Catherine Pearman, Josephine Cavopol,Vicky Hynes and Peter Coenen . Miss stevens was never stupid at picking who would teach at her school. She had high standards and good on her. As one student said

The things she said to me back then still inspire me today. What a woman! Often terrifying but (mostly) always right!

I now know this is who I am and that I cannot escape dancing. Frankly I never want to escape this passion. It is the Most amazing way to express emotion, to take movement to the next level. When I hear music that makes me well up with intense emotions I just know I have to dance. I also had Catherine Pearman, Miss Burguss and Josephine Cavopol teach me ballet. They were my extra classes that I would do as well as all my other classes. I think I actually danced more than I slept. Josephine was outstanding. She was sort of my idol for dance. She was cool as hell too. Tattoos on her arms, short hair but fierce. She would always say to me 'if your not flexbile no worries because all the other girls will be jealous of your strength'. And it was true. I could hold my leg in the air longest, jump the highest, I had more stamina. She told me she was never flexible and it made me feel better. I hated it when she would always make me stand at the front or do solos but she did it to make me a more confident dancer. That was the difference between her and Miss stevens. Miss stevens wanted strength and flexibility which I would still try and do but in the real world as much as I try it will never happen. I want to make Miss stevens proud, my grandma and myself.  

Today Miss Stevens is still growing strong and teaching young boys and girls her knowledge of being an amazing dancer. At the age of 4 I began Tap and modern with a teacher called Joe. I quickly learnt that Tap was amazing. By the time I got to 16 I was in Advance 2. Lets just say I was a quick learner. I could always improvise so easy with tap but modern = NO. I was always excited to get to class after school. Even if I didn't have to be there for an hour I would still go and practice in the small studio. I am a perfectionist. Everything has to be perfect. Obviously. Not just with dance but in every aspect of my life. If it doesn't go right I will do it again. So when I would be in class and I couldn't do it I would probably be in a foul mood for the rest of the day. I know that isn't so good but I couldn't help it. I am one of those people who has to be good at something straight away. It is sort of a good thing to be like in dancing because you put so much more effort in and you will end up wearing yourself out mentally and physically. You know something I would rather be like that than someone who tries a few times then gives up. It isn't in my nature to do that. AT ALL. I grew up with Hannah Brear, Emily Atkinson and Grace Cooper in all ballet, tap and modern. It was really cool to be able to grow up as people, dancers and friends. We helped each other to move up together. We wouldn't let one fall behind. I will always remember them. Contemporary. Well a teacher called Peter Coenen came back to teach after traveling the world with some of the best dance companies known. He studied at Miss Dorothy Stevens school of Dance. Every Monday for 2 hours we would do body polishing and he would make us do some hard core stuff. I loved it. haha. He pushed us more and more every week. I think eventually we ended up doing like 400 sit ups in one, plank for a stupid long time, press ups which without me being big headed did the most. Ok so maybe that was slightly big headed of me. It sounds pretty sad but we did a plie exercise to this song and I can't remember the name but it used to make me so emotional, it sort of captivated me as though I was no longer in the studio but in a blank space where I danced for infinity. When the music stopped my fantasy became reality again. He would choreograph the most striking pieces. Peter always inspired me with his imagination. Until his classes stopped. He ended up opening his own school close by which was brilliant for him but not so good for the rest of us. I continued doing contemporary at my college and at home keeping up with the body polishing. 

VIDEO TO COME.

And then I found street. It was a whole new world I was yet to discover. It took me a while to get used to it but once I got down into my steps and borrowed some swagga from the man dem. haha. Had to say it sorry about that. You couldn't stop me. I was afraid of trying tricks and lifts, anything you could give me I would attempt and sometimes accomplish or fail miserably and hurt myself. I cannot remember the last time I didn't have permanent bruises on my feet. I quite like that though. It shows my passion and journey with dancing. I am not a person to judge without trying first. So You can see why I am covered in bruises. Smily face. Amongst all this dancing I actually did a couple of years of ballroom and latin. (I think my grandma was trying to turn me into one of those plastic girls) = didn't happen. I did enjoy it though. I went to Blackpool, Scarborough and Bridlington for competitions and won quite a lot. But I knew it was time to leave when I was growing apart with ballet. July 2010 I moved to London. I was working on a film when the main actor offered me a job of personal assistant and as you do you jump for joy and say YES YES YES. So I moved to London to work for Toby Kebbell. This made me think of good opportunities I would be getting for dancing and acting. I though to myself where is the best place to go and dance in London. Well? Where do you think? Pineapple. So the place to be and where I am dancing now is at Pineapple dance studios. So there you have it. smily face. I will never stop loving dance, I can't. My veins are dancing without my dancing, without my veins I am nothing. 

I have to go

I have the urge

I need to

Escape

Explode

DANCE!!!!

x

Lady gagA

The Monsterous beautY that I am in love with.

Stefani joanne angelina germanottA born march 28th 1986.

New yorK

She described her academic life in high school as "very dedicated, very studious, very disciplined" but also "a bit insecure" as she told in an interview, "I used to get made fun of for being either too provocative or too eccentric, so I started to tone it down. I didn't fit in, and I felt like a freak.

Left-handed (same as me) Lady Gaga began playing the piano at the age of four, went on to write her first piano ballad at 13, and started to perform at open mike nights by the age of 14. 

She sharpened her songwriting skills while composing essays and analytical papers on art, religion, social issues and politics including a thesis on pop artists Spencer Tunick and Damien Hirst; such research prepared her for her future career focus in "music, art, sex and celebrity.

"Once you learn how to think about art, you can teach yourself," she said.

She stated that "Today and every day we fight for freedom. We fight for justice. We beckon for compassion, understanding and above all we want full equality now"^. Lady Gaga revealed that she is often questioned why she dedicates herself to "gayspeak" and "how gay" she is, to which, she told the audience: "Why is this question, why is this issue so important? My answer is: I am a child of diversity, I am one with my generation, I feel a moral obligation as a woman, or a man, to exercise my revolutionary potential and make the world a better place." She then joked: "On a gay scale from 1 to 10, I'm a Judy Garland fucking 42.

I don't really know what to say about her. There are too many words.

She makes you think. People don't like her and they say she is weird but the only thing she is , is herself. you don't need to hate someone just because of the way they dress or of an opinion or a belief you just need to accept that that is who they are and they are happy. So I guess I can say I love her for that. She inspires others to do what they are passionate or even do what makes them happy in any aspect and that is why she has become this sensation today. Her style makes me weak at the knees. It also makes me want to dress for the catwalk that is everywhere. The world.. When StefanI told the world the reasons for the meat dress it made me realise she is here to make a difference.

 "It's certainly no disrespect to anyone that's vegan or vegetarian… it's [saying], 'If we don't stand up for what we believe in, if we don't fight for our rights, pretty soon we're going to have as much rights as the meat on our bones.'"

I mean it's true. Isn't it. Nothing will happen unless we make it happen. 

Yesterday is historY

Tomorrow is a mysterY

Today is a gifT

That is why they call it the presenT

This is when I evolve into the person I want to be. This time I will pursue it. I have to. I need too. I don't care of any obstacles in my way, I will conquer it. She inspires me with every word. I can't stop listenig to her. Everything has a meaning. I am making a difference to myself. I can feel the motivation pumping through my veins like it isn't a choice it's a must. A must to be consumed by Determination, Motivation, Compassion. By the second album The fame monsteR Lady gagA was in a massive debt that I don't think anyone would have imagined. £3,000,000. Yep I know. This is how much the debt was. Lady gagA (stefani) spent all her money, time to be successful in her passion. She had no choice but to do this and have the determination to be able to pay back the debt and to be Mother monsteR. You don't realise how much b*llshit people have to go through to live their dream. 

 

TEETH

Don’t be scared, I’ve done this before, Show me your teeth, Don’t want no money, That shit’s is ugly, Just want your sex , Take a bit of my bad girl meat , Take a bite my me, Show me your teeth, Let me see your mean, Got no direction (no direction), I need direction, Just got my vamp (got my vamp), Take a bite of my bad girl meat, Take a bit of me boy, Show me your teeth, The truth is sexy, Tell me something that’ll save me, I need a man who makes me alright (man who makes me alright), Just tell me when it’s alright, Tell me something that’ll change me, Got no salvation (no salvation), Got no salvation, Got nor religion (no religion), My religion is you, Take a bite of my bad girl meat (bad girl meat), Take a bit of me boy, Show me your teeth, I’m a tough bitch,Got my addictions (my addictions), And I love to fix ‘em (and I love to fix ‘em), No one’s perfect, Take a bite of my bad girl meat (bad girl meat), Take a bit of me boy, Show me your teeth, I just need a little guidance, Tell me something that’ll save me, I need a man who makes me alright (man who makes me alright), Just tell me when it’s alright, Tell me something that’ll change me, I’m gonna love you with my hand tied, My religion is you, My religion is you, Help need a man, Now show me your fangs (my religion is you), Help need a man, Now show me your fangs (my religion is you), Help need a man, Now show me your fangs, Tell me something that’ll save me, I need a man who makes me alright , Just tell me it’s alright, Tell me something that’ll change me, I’m gonna love you with my hands tied, Show me your teeth, Just tell me when, Show me your teeth, Open your mouth boy, Show me whatcha got, Show me your teeth, It’s not how big, it’s how mean, Show me your teeth, Open your mouth boy, Show me your teeth, My religion is you, Show me your teeth, I just need a little guidance
Show me your teeth

Everything that is underlined is what i think of you stefani.
This is one of my favourite songs by Lady gagA.
Along with

DISCO HEAVEN

Get back, bunny, It's getting cold in here little honey, We got a show to put on your dress, Take a minute for us and relax, relax, Cupid's got me, oh with his bow & arrow, baby, He'll hit you in the pants, hot pants, Get the people to dance and relax, relax, Oh the lights still on, we're dancing, Yeah the floor is shaking, In this disco heaven, Disco heaven, Throw your head back, girly, Throw it like those girls in the movies, We got a show to put on your dress, Take a minute for us and relax, relax, The ball is turning, 300 mirrors burning, Through the hearts of the crowd, In the back hipsters banging the track, To the music, the music, Oh the lights still on, we're dancing, Yeah the floor is shaking, In this disco heaven, Oh the lights still on, we're dancing, Yeah the floor is shaking, In this disco heaven, Disco heaven, Oh we got that disco, D-I-S-C-O, And we're in heaven, H-E-A-V-E-N, Disco heaven, Feels just like heaven, Disco heaven, Disco heaven, Line up for the dance, Yeah bring those fancy pants, Y'know there's disco in the air, And hairspray everywhere, A disco heaven, Disco heaven, Oh the lights still on, we're dancing, Yeah the floor is shaking, In this disco heaven, Disco heaven, Oh the lights still on, we're dancing, Yeah the floor is shaking, In this disco heaven,

Disco heaven

I remember the first time I heard this on my way to work when I was running on a film. I was hooked to it. As soon as I could I downloaded it straight onto my iPod and that was my song that I woke up to, The song that will remind me of that film. That song made my memory beautiful. It makes me feel determined, to go somewhere or do something without fear.

Friday 13th January 2012

I thought about Stefani today. Like any other day when I think about her. She makes me push forward. Makes me think how far you have to go to live your fantasies. I attended my first class for contemporary at Pineapple dance and I forgot my greatest love. My passion. Dance. My motivation came from me. But my passion and love for her made it stronger and made it a must to get back in the game. I don't think I have ever been so certain about something or someone in my 19 years of life. I know you might be thinking 'nah your still young' but I think anyone can fall in love no matter who you are or what age. Love isn't something that comes with age, its an emotion. A kid can love there mom dad brother/sister friends.... So why not anyone. I have had one love. My first. Helena. I saw her walk into the parkand I knew right then and there that I would be with her. That feeling of being so sure secretly made it happen. I fell in love with her right then and there. She was and still is so beautiful. Them eyes that I would always fall into. Her nose that I loved when she scrunched it up. everything. 

Stefani (Lady gagA) is the same. I am so sure of my emotion, attraction, passion towards her will not dissolve into nothingness. It will keep growing. It sometimes hurts to know that there are millions of other people feeling the same way and that it is hard to accept that nothing will ever happen, all I want for her is to be happy. Because in my eyes she doesn't deserve the world. She deserves the galaxy and stars to go with the world. 

I'm a free bitch.

My love stefani this is for yoU
x 

Tokyo lovE

Japan

I have never been anywhere like Japan

I never stop thinking about it.

Nov 2010

One of the most BeautifuL times I could ever experience.

I went for 5 days as a favor of a friend to deliver film reels for their cinemas in Tokyo. i had no idea what to expect as no one does really when they have never been somewhere or experienced something or even met someone. 

From what I imagined of Japan.

It was nowhere near to what I expected.

IT WAS BETTER.

I stayed in a place called Shibuya in a good looking hotel with a balcony.

I walked into my room.

I felt the air on my skin.

It wasn't the same to home. Home. It felt ambitious, different like when you feel that very moment would be perfect for a film. When you walk to the door and open it to look outside and see that the light in the sky is so perfect it could make you cry. That is what happened. I walked to the door of that balcony and opened it to colours that I couldnt imagine smudging into each other in the sun set sky. 

I had one outfit on me and hardly any money. I have never been so happy. No restrictions just me and my Japan. I walked for miles that evening not caring where I was going, just to be there my feet actually touching the ground that millions of polite, kind hearted Japanese people would walk upon every minute.

Bliss. 

I became curious of everything that they did in Japan. I wanted to know, see, eat, speak, i wanted to be like them. Words that form art in the air. When I closed my eyes and listened to the words they made stories in my head of years ago. I couldn't understand. I needed guidance. I went to the first book shop I could find and got my phrasebook. All I wanted to do was to understand their language and reply to there questions or thank them for answers. I remember going to every god damn bank to try and get some money out because I had recently transferred money for when I arrived. But yer typical my card was blocked not thinking to tell my bank that I was going to Tokyo so not to worry. So as you do you see a couple of people who are obviously not Japanese and go over to ask if they know where I could possibly go to get some money.

They turn out to be English teachers. One from Canada, London and the other...Get this from Hull!! Of all places Hull. Near where I am from. It was mad to meet someone on the other side of the world who literally lives half hour away from where I am from in Huddersfield. I tell you it was awesome to hear a northern accent in Tokyo. We all got talking about stuff and they invited me out for dinner the next night. I thought why not I am in Japan alone and want to see more and know more. 

That night i would walk around the walkways above all the traffic being glissened by the bright lights. 
I went to the most amazing magazine shop just round the corner from where I was staying in Shibuya and I was captivated by the covers of BeautY. Just endless shelves of manga, fashion, architecture and art. I spent most of my money in that shop and did not feel bad one bit.
I walked as slowly as I could back to hotel that night trying to take in every image I captured through my eyes and wanted to store them in my mind for eternity. I wish I could some how do that. Keep my memories in images for everything I ever looked at.
I hope when I pass at old age and I reach my heaven there will be a cinema a cinema to watch my life back.
Just to remember.
Remember.
I flicked through the pages of gold dust just trying my hardest to understand what I was reading.

That night I fell asleep with my Vogue.
I woke up to peace. I was in the busiest city ever and I couldn't hear a thing. I sat outside on my balcony watching the people getting on with there daily routine as I had a cuppa (has to be a cuppa being from west Yorkshire and all) and a Marlboro Iceblast. The name doesn't do it any justice but I will let you know what one of these are just in case you don't already know what this is. There are averages cigarettes but in the filter there is a little ball. If you crush the ball it turns into a menthal, or mental filters as I like to call them. Basically your getting 2.4.1. I personally bought them for the packet.

So I got dressed and headed to the train station or underground which ever you like to call it. I didn't have a destination in mind I just waited for them to announce a place I liked the sound of. I didn't go far but it was Shinjuku.

The fashion is wild in Shinjuku. I was hungry for more. I found a dance school which I was very keen to See if I could attend a dance class to see how they teach and what the standards are like over there but as you might have guessed it took a while for me to ask them and understand the situation. I was so determined just to watch a class or anything. Unfortunately it didn't happen. 

As planned I got ready and set off to meet the guys I had met earlier the day before for dinner. I had the address on me and the money to get there but it took longer than I expected. I had to get 4 different trains, my mobile didn't work so everytime i got to a station I had to ring them from a pay phone to let them know where I was. 

I made it. I got to the restaurant and it was so small but really comforting. I felt as though I lived there. In Japan. I miss you. 

Anyway after a while I got back to the hotel, laid on my bed looking at the blank canvas for a ceiling that my ideas were spilling out onto as though I was dreaming of these colours that I could see. !!BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM!!

My heart was shaking. I knew I had to find out where these vibrations were coming from the only way in doing that was to follow my heart to the beginning of my conquest to..

The Night Club Next Door. 

I found it without realising. I saw some guys sat on a bench outside the club and I could tell they were going there. I thought what have I got to lose by going in? Nothing except my enthusiasm otherwise this boredom I carry would take over my body slowly until I went insane in my hotel room. Well what happened next? I didn't expect this to happen. 

I got in for free as one of the guys worked there. There were 5 floors in this nightclub it was out of this world. Each floor had different music, one room had skate boards, merchandise for skating and bmx! How fricking cool is that. I actually bought a magazine for one of my best guy friends who loves biking. I can't remember when it started but Jake and I would always buy each other a magazine on surfing or rock climbing or biking that sort of thing when we went on holiday. That makes me smile. Anyway I was hooked. To Tokyo. My Tokyo love amplified so much I was sure I was never going to leave. 

I met a girl there who was going out with the guy I met outside the club. 

Her name is

Yuka Hatanaka

One of the best nights of my life. She could speak Engilsh quite well so we got to know each other a little and she introduced me to some of her friends. The most I could say to he in Japanese was hello, thankyou, yes, 1-10 and slippers. So she found me quite amusing as I would if that was all she could say to me. I think at one point she kept telling me to shout something which I had no idea what I was saying.
かわいい - KAWAII - CUTE

 Don't you just love that word. Even if you didn't know what it meant it would still make you smile.
I spent all night with Yuka and her friends and it was more than words can say. 
When we left we exchanged facebook and to this day we still speak. 
(Not as well as I hoped on my part)
But fear not I am going to be taking Japanese classes this year. 
The dream was reality. 
Thank you Yuka for an awesome night.
I am going back to Japan I know that for sure. Not sure when in the next couple of years but when I do I know I will be staying there for as long as possible. 
Yuka your KAWAII
I was so hungry and luckily the hotel was.....
Next door. Smily face. 
So your in Japan what do you eat for breakfast? Sushi?
YES PLEASE. 
It was so good. 
10am and only just heading back to my room. Means a good night. The doors opened on the elevator and there was a guy around my age sat on the floor crying. I was a bit indecisive on what to do. I walked into my room and knew I had to go back. 
He was called 

DAIKI
  
He was locked out of his room. 
He was fine and we hung out for a couple of hours then he went to sort out getting a key to pack his things as he was leaving. He was a cool guy. He sang in a band and loved to travel. 
Yep. I fell asleep until the next day. My leaving day. 
I actually cried because I didn't want to come back to London and that is saying something I love London.

But I am in love with Tokyo. 

x

David bowiE

Happy birthday to you 

David bowiE

All the years that you have given this world such beautiful music.

I hope that your sounds will flow through the winds forever. 

All I ever want to do is listen to your music so loud it enters my body

I feel the emotion

Vibrations

Sounds

as though i am in that studio watching and listening to the colours